While I was sleeping...

My friend Stef (hi Stef!) pointed out that I have not blogged a single thing in a looonnnnggggg time.

 

It’s not for lack of interest, I swear. To be honest guys, I’m just lazy. Plus I am no longer allowed to blog on my work computer and that was kind of the only time I dedicated to blogging.

 

Anyway, let’s move on from that and I pretend that I haven’t abandoned you completely…

 

What have I been up to lately?

 

·         Lots of snuggling and cuteness (and a minor fight) with the GF

·         FREAKING LOSING MY MIND OVER SCANDAL

·         Crying a lot over Parenthood

·         Shouting at the TV every time I watch Sons of Anarchy

·         Hating that I can’t seem to let Grey’s Anatomy go

·         Noticing how much my life revolves around TV just now…

·         Becoming addicted to Bad Girls Club Miami (watch it, just do it)

·         Paying off my debts little by little

·         Not going to the gym

·         Not dieting

·         Eating a fuckton of yummy food

·         Still not having to buy bigger pants (WOO!)

·         Learning to love my jiggles

·         Not wearing make up to work (read: I am too lazy at 7 AM)

·         Not writing a damn thing…which is odd…

Let’s expand on that last one…

I haven’t written anything in a really long time you guys. Not a chapter of a book I’ll never finish. Not a sappy poem. Not even a freaking grocery list. Who am I?? I don’t think that I’ve lost my mojo I am just not honestly feeling it lately. I haven’t had any idea worth pursuing in a while. This needs to stop. I write. It’s just what I do. I have no other real talent (besides making super yummy and super bad for you food). I think I really need to get back to my blogging groove…

7.6 Miles and 3 Iguanas

This Saturday my GF had the great idea of walking from her house to the beach...

3.8 miles there and 3.8 miles back.

In case I've ever given anyone the impression that I'm an active/athletic/fit person, I'm not. Like weekly Zumba classes kick my ass...

But, the GF is pretty and I'm a sucker for cute smiles. We walked.

Are you ready to be shocked? 

It wasn't horrible. Don't get me wrong, we live in Miami, it was hotter than the devil's closet (is that a thing? I'm making it a thing) and the air was humid and just really hard to breathe. (read: I'm out of shape and it was hard to breathe) We did have a great time though. We laughed a lot and we had bacon jerky as a snack. It was so good. It was probably the tastiest thing ever. Exercise makes my taste buds have really low standards apparently. 

My only complaint would have to be the wild life.

I am scared of frogs and lizards. This is not a secret to anyone. Iguanas however, are a whole new ball game. They are the spawns of Satan. They look prehistoric and pretty much turn me into a high pitch screaming/whining mess. I don't wish any harm to come to them and I do understand the role they play in the ecosystem. I am well aware that it is not their fault they look that way or that I'm scared of them. Ok, now that Peta doesn't hate me anymore...there were 3 of the ugliest iguanas I have ever seen in my life out and about during our little adventure. The first two were safely tucked away behind the fence of a golf course so it honestly wasn't that bad. We crossed the street and I did some Lamaze breathing and we were on our way. The third iguana, God help me I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth when I saw it. Was it behind a safe fence? Nope. Could I cross the street to escape? Not a fucking chance (6 lane bridge thing). Was it horrible looking? YES. I made the GF stomp around while she laughed at me in order to scare it back into the bushes because it was literally like a foot away from the sidewalk that we were on and omg gag. After the little beast scurried back to the underworld the bush where all the other iguanas were probably hanging out, I walked fast and tense past the area (which was also the up part for the bridge because fuck you Nat, that's why) and the GF tried to hide her laughter. Mind you, this was on the way back to her house and I was hot and in pain and scared and yea, we got in a mini fight...and then two more mini fights, completely unrelated to iguanas. 

But, we made it! 

We lived!

We dined on Chik-fil-A and it was so delicious I almost cried!

When we made it back to he house after dinner we were both super sore and super swore that we would never do that again...

 We're going again next weekend because she's pretty and I have no willpower.

Fun Fact Friday

Also known as, I couldn't come up with anything better to say today...

 1. I overuse the words; like, totally, and super. Like, a lot. I may or may not have used a sentence that started with "It was totally like super ______ ." It's awful. I know.

2. I say my favorite color is blue, but secretly, it' pink. Ok, maybe not so secretly because my blog is pink but yea... It just doesn't sound very grown up when you say pink. So, it's blue guys. My favorite color is pink blue.

3. I am addicted to Sharpies. Preferably the ultra fine tip ones. I write almost everything I can using multi colored Sharpies. YAYYY Sharpies!

4. I really hate saying/writing "Needless to say" or "It goes without saying". I mean, I still use them but they annoy me to no end.

5. Today I smiled at my neighbor's dog. I did not smile at my neighbor.

 

Because we all need a little laugh in the morning...

Thanks Lulu for finding this last night and making my drive home super hilarious!

Click it. Read it. Laugh your ass off. Repeat. 

Our Eggs Are Dying

Let's enter a judgment free zone...

 In this zone I will confess something super weird about myself and you all will just accept it and maybe laugh a little and totally not judge me at all.

So, um, okay. My biological clock may need to be reset or rebooted or autotuned...wait, that's not right...I'm not good with techy stuff but the point is that its fucked up. What do I mean when I say this? Glad you asked. My uterus has been screaming at me to impregnate it for like, a while now. I am well aware that it probably has a lot to do with this but even still, it's suuuuuper annoying.

The problem is that I have accomplished like ZERO of the things on my Knocked Up Bucket List...

(I'm really into bullet point posts these days)

• I have not been to Venice. Can you even take babies to Venice? Wouldn't it be super hard getting in and out of gondolas with a stroller? And those things do not have a trunk for you to store all the crap things essential to a baby's survival.
• I have not gotten neither my B.A. nor my M.B.A. and I'm pretty sure babies are a major like full time commitment that I do not wish to undertake that whilst working a full time job and getting some kind of degree in something or the other.
• I am still not even a full grown up. I don't know why I pay taxes. I don't understand Social Security. I don't know how mortgages and property taxes work because it still seems like paying rent just way more expensive and to banks instead of a nosy Cuban old lady. How am I expected to raise a good law abiding tax paying citizen when I'm not even entirely positive whether I am one or not?

Ok so, yes there are teen moms all over the country popping babies out of their schmaginas like those tennis ball machine things and they haven't done any of those things either.

Probably.

Kids are like major over achievers these days.

Well, maybe not the pregnant ones...

What was I saying?

OH! Okay, yea I am super unprepared to bring life into this world. Also, it involves like a fairly close interaction with sperm and I am currently not on speaking terms with any of that. I don't drive a car that is safe for anyone a baby. I don't even own a bed. AND, I can't even remember to take care of my Sims some times...or the little people of my Virtual Families 2 family...or my cat. Fuck, did I feed the cat today? I did. I totally did...I hope.

With all of this in mind, I ask...what the fudge uterus?! Put down that Babies R' Us catalog and go feed the cat dude. Get with the program because babies are still like 3ish years away man. 

Yes my uterus is a guy, because only a dude would cause cramps like that and totally try to play it off as a good thing talking shit like "oh that's how we give life and populate the earth" and whatever, you suck. Asshole. No babies...yet. 

Today is not the day

My creativity sucks today. My writing sucks today. And my thighs are really sore because I did Zumba yesterday...

Please enjoy these super cute Key West Birthday Trip pics...

Yes, I took a disposable camera. Film is not dead yet people! (although, it did take like 2 weeks to get them back so never doing that again)

Fall Lineup 2013!!

**Post contains spoilers**
 

Praise the TV Lord!!

Fall prime time shows are back people, and my DVR and I could not be more excited. I don't wanna beat around the bush or talk too much crap so let's get down to it...

How I Met Your Mother- Ok, am I the only one that is starting to get a little annoyed at Ted? Actually, at all of the characters. I'm pretty sure NPH is the only reason this is still on my recording rotation. Well that, and the fact that I overly commit to shows and feel the need to see them through the good and the bad. Now that I got that out of my system, I will say that I am totally loving "The Mother" character so maybe not all hope is lost.

The Middle- Still as funny as ever. I am obsessed with Frankie and the season opener was super cute. The whole mom taking the kid to college thing totally tugged at all my heartstrings. Sue is still driving me insane and I really hope that while Axl is technically at college, he will still make a fair amount of appearances. Mike and Brick are perfection. 

Modern Family- Holy Beyonce people! I was so so so into this episode. Although, I kinda wanted to slap Claire a little. But who cares, let's get to the good stuff... THE GREATEST PROPOSAL EVER. I am beyond in love with Cam & Mitch and their proposal was so beautiful and just absolutely perfect. As always, this show handles the topic of an adult gay relationship flawlessly. I commend the writers on keeping it both realistic and hilarious. I can't wait for the wedding. I'm thinking of dressing up for the occasion! No, just me...alright then. Party poopers.

Law & Order: SVU- Yes, I still watch this. Quit with the judging. The 2 hour season opener was to die for. I cried internally and had some super weird dreams thanks to it. Also, Mariska Hartigay makes my world a better place. 

Nashville- Officially off my DVR rotation. I'm sorry to see it go, but I'm really really bored of it. Don't hate me.

The Mindy Project- I will admit that I did not watch the first season, and yes I am hating myself because of it. I did however catch the first two episodes of the second season and I am in love love love. It's super funny and super easy to just adore. If you're like me and lived under a rock for the first season, it's not too late. Get with it. 

The Big Bang Theory- Still funny and not much has changed but what else can you expect...

Grey's Anatomy- All I can say is that you made me love you again. 

Parenthood- So many emotions. I am in love with Amber and they way her story is turning out. Their whole family dynamic is just wonderful.


That's pretty much all I've seen for now. I can't wait for Scandal which I'm sure will merit a post of its own. If you have any suggestions on what else I should be watching please let me know :) 

6 Months Comfortable

Let me set the scene; We were trying to find somewhere to pee. Two girls + lots of water + one saying she has to pee = HolyFuckFindABathroomNOW. Got the picture? Good, let's move on.

It was at this moment that I realized just how much our relationship has changed since we started dating. Want some examples? 

•  Months 1-4 I was starving. My girlfriend eats like a baby bird. I could eat 6 baby birds and still be hungry. Jk. But seriously, if anyone ever serves me a cornish game hen as an entree I will eat their soul with ketchup on it. The point is, at the beginning of our relationship I ate in super tiny portions and refused any and all snacks because "Lol I'm an internally skinny person and these layers of fat are just for warmth babe!" Now...its more like "Yes, I am going to eat this burger and fries and the rest of our appetizer but I'll skip desert for you though..."

•  Super fucking gross conversations. Like; "oh no yea girls totally poop" and "OMG I'm pretty sure I am dying based on the amount of blood coming out of my uterus" and "I farted *sprays perfume by butt area* just thought I'd warn you". It goes without saying, that is not the most exciting of the changes.

• Bring on the sweatpants people. Actually, my lovely girlfriend has been rocking the "comfy" look since day one but it totally works on her so I never complained. I, however, took great care to wear pretty dresses and perfect make up and holy Christ I didn't iron my hair so please don't look at my face-ness. That last part made no sense but you know what I mean. Now; well as I write this post, my hair is in a bun I am in sweats and a tee with not a smidge of make up on and I'm pretty sure my debit card is still in my bra while she plays Sims on her phone across from me. This, is romance people.

• I hid my addiction. Shopping addiction that is, put down the phone mom I don't need another intervention. I pretty much buy a new outfit weekly. It's my happy time. It makes working 40+ hours bearable. The thing is, GF told me once that she wanted someone who was responsible and in true over-reacter fashion I took that to mean "run and hide your crazy spending habits". It actually wasn't so hard because she didn't actually know how much clothing I owned but eventually I figured that she would start to notice that things always looked new and were rarely repeated so I slowly started interjecting my lunchtime shopping trips into the conversations. She didn't judge me for it and it totally made me feel way better about like, life and shit.

• I curse soooo much. Like, I actively try not to curse on here and still curse a fuckton. My GF rarely curses and when she does it's because she really really means it. Let's just put it this way, when we started talking, I had the flowing pretty vocabulary of a debutante and now it's a little more like Tony Soprano...

• The queen has made her debut. I am super dramatic. Like ugly Kim K. crying, did you just call me fat?, who the fuck are you texting right now? dramatic. I can't help it. I like to think its charming (its not). I used to work really really hard to hide this from her. My poor best friend was/is subjected to far too many irrational arguments that are actually meant for the GF. I've found a way to let out my crazy side without like, scaring her into changing her phone number and moving to a new state. I simply let her know that I fully accept that what I am about to say is batshit crazy and I think she kinda just takes that and let's me be me (I hope). 

• We are calling each other out on our shit. The happy days of "YOU'RE SO PERFECT AND AWESOME AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS WONDERFUL!!" are over. Not to say that she isn't wonderful or anything, we're just more realistic now that the pixie dust has started to wear off. Mainly, she tells me when I'm being dramatic (which is often) and I tell her when she's being a jerk/ass (also often). It's cute though.

While I realize that we have a long road ahead and probably way more growing to do, I really like where we are now. It feels real and cozy and accepting. And the sweat pants are way more awesome than trying to keep the damn dresses from hiking up over my ass all the time...

Fun Fact Friday

These actually may not be all that fun...or factual, but I like words that start with the same letter so just go with it...


1. I have a love/hate relationship with my gym membership. Love that I have one and love the 3 days out of the month that I go. Hate that I haven't gone at all this month.

2. I have an irrational fear of breast cancer. Although it is something to be cautious of, I'm almost positive I don't need the self checks every other day. In all fairness, my boobs are awesome and anything that threatens them scares the living Jesus out of me.

3. To continue with the fear theme; I am terrified of frogs and lizards and everyone thinks its a stupid fear but it's not and I will fight with you about it...just ask my girlfriend. I think I may have cried a little.

4. I am a drama queen. Completely unrelated to Fun Fact #3. In that instance, I was right and not dramatic at all (I totally was and apologized for it).

5. If it was possible, I would eat all of my meals out of a bowl with all of the ingredients mixed together with a big spoon (I may have some "Peter Pan" issues to deal with).


That's all for today everyone :)

 

I think I have a BlogCrush...

Would you like to know what I have spent the majority of the past 2 weeks doing? 

Obsessively reading through every post Brittany Gibbons has every written. I'm pretty sure I'm in love...

Sure, she's a married mom of 3 and sure I'm in a (great) committed relationship, but she makes my brain tingle people.  In an effort to pay homage to her I am going to list the top 5 reasons why she currently rules my universe.

5. She is thick and lovin' it! I don't think it will come as a shock to anyone that I have some serious body issues and Brittany has been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Twice. But now she has adapted a new way of loving herself and her curves and she is out there telling big girls to own their bodies. I told you she's awesome!

4. Her kids are models. No, seriously you guys, they are to die for. 

3. Her marriage is inspiring. She's been with Andy since like high school and they're still totally in love but not in like a super gross way or anything. They're just funny and awesome and it gives me hope.

2. She has an amazing sense of style. She's always posting cute style tips for the curvy ladies and her house is super cute and I think I could go shopping in her closet.

1. I want her life. Ok, maybe not her life exactly because that would be weird, but she totally made this amazing career from her blog and she is doing so many cool projects with super cool people and I am just in awe of her.


There you have it. If I haven't convinced you to go read her blog yet, I have failed you... 

6 days and we stopped counting...

So I quit. On day 6 to be more specific. In my defense, I was so sick of the lemonade I was barely drinking half of the daily recommended minimum and that is super dangerous. Even though I was 4 days shy of my goal, I'm still really proud that I stuck it out for as long as I did. I'm even more proud that I didn't binge my little heart out on Sunday. I stuck to juice and soup (and bread, sorry I was hungry and my mom got the good bread). 

That's pretty much it. I'm really happy to taste food again.

I wish I could quit you...

We are in the middle of Day 5 everyone! 

I'm so hungry. Actually, I don't know if I'm hungry or just craving food but whatever it is I want to kill something and eat it (chicken or cow not a person or anything weird like that). 

I am very happy to report that I have not cheated and the worst is over...hopefully.

I've lost 7.4 pounds and it honestly is not as bad as I expected. The food withdrawal is really hard but it comes and goes. I think my biggest complaint would be the random aches and pains, but all the websites say that they are my organs being cleansed so that's gotta be good.

I will admit to you guys that the hunger attacks are pretty intense. They were almost unbearable for the first 3 days but now I'm handling them a lot better. What has worked for me is reminding myself that the moment will pass and if I give in I'll feel really terrible about myself. Also, the fact that since I haven't eaten for 5 days it would be a little stupid of me to stuff my face because my digestive system would probably freak out and explode or something...I don't know.

My skin has cleared up quite a bit but I still have some hormonal breakouts here and there. Oh well, that's life I guess. The best outcome has been all of the rest I'm getting. I usually have a lot of trouble falling asleep and some night I don't sleep at all, but being on the cleanse has taken care of that. I fall asleep within minutes of getting in bed and sleep all the way through to my alarm. It's heavenly. 

I'm hoping to keep going until next Friday and do a Gallbladder Flush on Saturday. Before anyone freaks out, I actually do suffer from a severe amount of gallstones that have caused me to be hospitalized several times so the flush is very necessary for me in order to avoid surgery.

Anyways, that's all for now. Wish me luck :)

Day One

In true procrastinator fashion I started TMC a week later. As you may have guessed by the title, today is my first day. I'll admit that I cheated in a small way, instead of using fresh squeezed lemon juice I bought organic pre-squeezed juice. I'm really hoping that doesn't make too much of a difference bu we'll see...

I'll level with you guys; while I do want to clean my body and reboot my system and all, a big part of this cleanse is because I want to lose weight. Now hear me out, I am not expecting a miracle cure and I am perfectly aware that I will gain back most of what I lose while on the cleanse. My goal is to try to get rid of my junk food cravings and eating fixations (i.e. going out to dinner as a recreational activity). I am hoping that by the elimination of all foods for an extended period of time, I will be able to get myself into the mindset of wanting healthier foods. I know that once I transition back into food again I will have to be really careful not to binge or fall back on my old habits. I do have the benefit of my wonderful best friend Luisa who is willing to take the challenge with me, so at least we'll be hungry together. We'll see how far our willpower can take us...


P.S. In case you're wondering, yes I am starving.

So about that Master Cleanse...

In my defense, it was my birthday and the first long weekend I've had in months. I really do want to try it and I probably will start it sometime this week...

Okay, I'll go buy the stuff today. Just a couple of days late. That won't harm anybody.

Moving on. Let me tell you about my birthday weekend!

Friday (the actual birthday)- All I have to say about Friday is that my girlfriend is phenomenal and my mom has outdone herself. 

-Let's start off with mom; I've been working pretty hard lately to get myself out of debt but it tends to leave me frustrated because I have to scrimp and save so much. The main target of this frustration is the fact that I no longer have a smartphone. Yes I know how shallow and materialistic that sounds and believe me I do kick myself about it. The point is that my mom decided to reward my hard work by getting me a tablet for my birthday. Needless to say, I am in love with it. It is a sick and beautiful obsession. Honestly though, the best part of the gift was getting the sense that my mom does see that I have changed and that she does take notice in how hard I'm working. It definitely gives me a lot of hope for our relationship in the future.

-Now on to the girlfriend; Did I mention she's phenomenal? She came to my job and surprised me with balloons and a tiara and a perfume shaped like a cat! I was in heaven. I totally wore the tiara for like 86% of the rest of the day. Later on that night she took me out to dinner and we had a really nice time and had some really great food. She totally had the intention of getting the waiters to sing to me but because of some mishap that I will not share with the internet, it didn't happen, which was good because I would've felt really awkward I think. We went back to her house where I had even more surprises waiting for me. Her little sister made me a super sweet birthday card and her mom made me a really cute necklace that is like the epitome of everything that I like (thanks again Mel!). The final surprise was an adorable birthday cake she made me along with her sister. They sang me happy birthday and when I went to blow out the candles I realized I had nothing to wish for. I've been blessed with an incredible person who loves me and works hard to make me happy every single day. I am so very thankful for her and I hope she feels like I work hard to make her happy as well.

Saturday- Spent it relaxing at the mall and then at my girlfriend's house. It was really nice and chill. Kinda really wish it was Saturday again but let's not dwell on the past.

Sunday- I slept. Played Sims Freeplay and watched Disney movies on Netflix, then slept some more. It was awesome.

Monday- We finally made it to Key West. Even though it was just a quick day trip and it was sweltering the entire time we were there, it was a very fun day. We toured Hemingway's house and I pet (stalked) a whole bunch of the cats. We walked Duval St and saw lots of cool stuff, like the lady that had a monkey in a baby stroller. I'm not even remotely joking. I also may have stalked her a little bit too... We walked, a lot. We laughed, a lot. By the end of the day we were completely wiped out. We ended our trip with dinner at Cracker Barrel and I fell in love with the food. Definitely will be doing it all again.



I hope your long weekend was fun and eventful as well. I'll post pics as soon as I take the disposable camera to get developed. It's cute and old school okay, don't judge me.

And then they wonder why I'm sprung...

23

Pssst...it's my birthday today. 

That's right. Another year older, still not sure if I'm wiser...

Actually, I think I am. This time last year I was kind of a mess. I was coming off of a long streak of really big fuck ups and my future looked bleak at best. My life is completely different now. I'm still making mistakes but that's just human nature. The difference is, my mistakes aren't quite as catastrophic now and they're made in the hopes of trying to accomplish something positive but failing at it. I've learned there's nothing wrong with that. You can't get it right every single time but you also can't give up.

So that's my motto for this next year of life. I will not give up. Not on myself or on my goals.  I will try my hardest to be more patient with the rate of my life improvement plans. I will appreciate how far I've come instead of feeling defeated by the long road ahead. yes, I'm aware I sound like a self help book right now but it's my birthday and the promise of cake makes me a better person.

A big heartfelt thank you to everyone in my life who is and has been so supportive through this past year. You guys are incredible and I love you all so much it might burst my heart.

Now, about that cake...

To my future children...

  If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably already read the letters that preceded this one. I hope it has helped you to understand why your mother is insane. Now, keep in mind that I am writing this being (almost) 23 so some of this may not exactly be accurate. Nonetheless, I have a feeling of what kind of mother I will be. Your teenage years will suck. You will go no where. You will have no social life. You will (probably) have to take random drug tests for no apparent reasons. You will be forced to endure a lot of “sex talks” and “please don’t get pregnant” lectures. For all of this, I am deeply sorry. The mistakes of my youth will undoubtedly haunt yours.
            Now, there some things you are more than likely feeling towards me that I would like to refute;

1. “My mom doesn’t trust me”- I do trust you (unless you’re a criminal, then I probably don’t’). The problem is that I was a bad teenager and I fucked up A LOT. I made a huge mess of my life and it has taken me a really long time to get to a place where I even feel slightly normal. I don’t want you to go through what I’ve gone through. I want better for you. I want you to take advantage of the opportunities I let slip away. I will demonstrate these wonderful feelings by being an over bearing nightmare. Enjoy. 
2. “My mom over reacts to everything”- Yes, I do. Please refer to #1 for the reasons why. I promise it is all out of love so just shut up and deal with that shit.
3. “My mom is the reason why I’m insecure”- If you have ever felt this about me, then I have failed you. I promise I will try my hardest to, in spite of my crazyness, make you feel loved. Never ever think that you are not good enough because if you are my kid then you are perfect to me.

I honestly wish I could say that I have all the answers and that “mommy knows best” but probably don’t. All I can tell you is that I will always love you and be there for you. I will never give up on you. I will never turn my back on you. I will never make you feel unwanted. I hope I’m a good mom to you. I hope we have a good relationship and we are open with each other. I hope this helps you understand me. You are the reason why I wrote this. You are the reason why I got my life back on track. You are my reason for everything.

Love you more than life,

Mommy

To my big brother, or at least you used to be...

I stole from you. There’s no way around that. I stole $250 from you and bought a shit ton of booze and pills and partied my ass off for two days. You know this because when you made claims about the money my uncle told you I was doing drugs. I was wrong to steal from you. I was wrong to use that money to party. I was wrong, but so were you. See, when my uncle told you how fucked up I was, you were supposed to want to help me. You were supposed to try to save me. You were supposed to try. Instead, you bailed. You cut me off and I still haven’t heard from you.

            You and I were never that close when I was growing up. That was mostly due to our 20 year age difference and the fact that for most of my formative years we had little to no communication. However, for about 2 years before that night we had built a stronger bond. I counted on you. I trusted you. I spent most of my time at your house. I saw you like a brother and a father rolled into one. In fact, it was you who told me to rely on you since our dad couldn’t be there for me.

I fucked up, and you will never know how sorry I am to have lost you. You fucked up, and you will never know how much you hurt me. One day I will go to your house with my head held high and my life put back together. I will hand you $250 and a copy of this letter. I will pay my debt and feel free to tell you exactly how you broke my heart and our bond. After that, I will walk away from you like you did from me.

With love,

Cristi, your youngest sister.


Update: My brother and I have both taken the first steps towards a reconciliation. I'm not sure if things will ever be the way they were before but I am very glad to have him back in my life. 

Master Cleanse

I was browsing through Instagram last night and I saw that a friend from HS was starting The Master Cleanse and it made me curious...

Flash forward to this morning: I've been looking online for tips and reviews and testimonials and so far no one has really said anything negative about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure that no solid food for 10+ days is going to suck so hard I might go on a cow murdering rampage...if I do, cookout at my house y'all!

Back to the original point; My birthday is this Friday and I thought after spending 48 hours eating my weight in frosting TMC would be a great way to clean out all the crap (pun totally intended) that I will undoubtedly ingest. Plus it will be an awesome (yea right) way to start my next year of life. So with all of that in mind, I will begin TMC on Sunday. Since its a long weekend I figure I can spend the first two days of the cleanse at home complaining and missing food in peace.

I'll blog out my progress and take some before/after pics and all that jazz...wish me luck!    

To Sophie, the most beautiful cat ever...

I think it’s kind of silly to write a letter to cat, especially since you can’t read it. I want to write it though because I feel like I need to thank the universe for you. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but when I first adopted you, I was living out of my car. My mom had kicked me out and I had no where to go. Now, I have no idea why the brilliant idea of getting a pet when I didn’t have a home came up but it did, and I chose you. Thankfully, a few days after I took you my mom let me come back home. At first she was not thrilled about you (she’s not big on pets and our building didn’t allow them). I fought hard to keep you because having you made me happier than I had been in a very long time. You were so small and warm and you loved me so much. I was and am your whole world. Every time I come home you rush to the door and beg for attention. I sleep soundly every night snuggled up with your furry little self.
            I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve saved me on more than one occasion. When I’m at my lowest and I feel myself slipping away you curl up next to me and put your paw on my face. This may seem insignificant but every time you do this I remember that at least one soul in this world needs me. I remember that, even if you’re just a cat, I matter to you. I cry my woes to you. I confess my sins to you. I profess my adoration for you on a daily basis. I might not be here writing these letters if you had never come into my life. I’m thankful for you every single day.

With all the love I can give,


Mommy (the one that puts the food in the bowl)

To the sick bastard who molested me...

Did you know that for over 14 years I didn't remember what you did to me? My little brain put it all in a box and buried it deep in the back so I wouldn't find it. Did you know that I'm starting to remember? So many details are coming back to me. Like nightmarish flashbacks of a day I still can't believe I lived. I'm almost glad I can remember now because so many things about me make so much more sense. For example, I now know why I hate the smell of antiseptic cleaner and why anything that involves doctors or latex gloves gives me anxiety attacks. I now understand why older men make me nervous and why it's hard for me to look people in the eye.

Do you know much you fucked me up? I have intimacy issues in spades. Most days I battle with the feeling that my body is not worth respect and simply not mine to control. Most days I wonder why other girls want boyfriends and love stories and I just want someone to protect me. You did that to me. You and your fucking latex gloves. I trusted you. I trusted that you were a good man because you saved my dogs when they were sick. My mom trusted you; hell the whole neighborhood trusted you. I guess that's what happens when you live in a place where the monsters can hide behind little girls' shame and silence.

I just want to know what the fuck possessed you to hurt me. I know that you know what you did is sick. You'll be very glad to know that the story you gave me to cover your sickness worked like a charm. I even got grounded for the whole summer for “skipping school to play with the puppies in your clinic”, how fucking cliché can you be...

I hope I was the only one you did this to, but I know that your routine was far too well executed for it to have been your first time. It was my first time, did you know that? Well the blood on your fucking latex gloves must have given that away. “It'll hurt a little but I need to make sure you're not sick”, what a fucking joke. The best part is that you made sure I understood I wasn't sick and that I had been a very good girl during the “exam”. “Don't worry, you don't have to tell your mom since I already took care of you”, these are rough translations since you said it to me in Spanish, but that's pretty much the gist of it. Did it make you feel better to tell me over and over that you were a good doctor and I should be glad you took care of me? I bet it did.

My old therapist said I had to forgive you. That was the last time I spoke to him. I don't give a fuck, I won't forgive you. I was a happy child. I was warm and affectionate with everyone. You took that from me. You don't deserve my forgiveness. I hope it haunts you at night. I hope you know that you disgust me. I hope you know that in spite of your sickness, I grew up just fine. I hope you know that I, and whoever else you did this to, will never forgive you. I hope you go to your grave ashamed of yourself.

In retrospect, I'm madder at myself than I am at you. My brothers were doctors so I should have somehow known the difference between a vet and a people doctor. I wonder if I questioned you about that. I wonder if I resisted. I wonder how you convinced me to lie for you. There's still so much I don't remember, but I remember enough. I remember you. I remember the sting. And I remember my blood on your fucking latex gloves.

I hope you rot in hell. I hope God, or the devil, or karma, or whatever makes you pay for what you did.

Sincerely,

Your “best patient”


Update: While I still have a very shaky recollection of what happened, I've come to terms with it. I've learned that I am more than the things that have happened to me. I still don't think I've gotten to a place where I understand him, but I forgive him. 

1,000 in 1 year

So um, I just got my thousandth pageview...quite possible that it was just one of my friends and not a stranger, but nonetheless, its pretty exciting.

I started writing this blog almost a year ago to the date and I honestly never imagined how much my life could change in such a short time. I'm incredibly thankful to have the people in my life who form my support system. The one person that I have to thank more than anyone else is my mom. We've been through so much together and even if our relationship is still very fragile, I know we're on the way to a better place. My best friends have been incredible. You guys have stuck by me and shown me how to be a better version of myself. You love me and accept me for me and I couldn't be more thankful for you if I tried to be. Last but not least, my girlfriend has made a huge impact in me in the short time that she's been here. You've made me so happy and I am so lucky to have you. I still wonder sometimes how we got here and I can't wait to see where we're going baby. I love you very much not just for who you are, but for who I've become by loving you.

So you see, I'm a little more grown up than I was a year ago. I've become more financially responsible (pause for the shocked reaction). I've become happier with myself and with my life. I'm working on my issues with my family and while it's not perfect yet, we're getting there. Unfortunately, this year was not all sunshine and rainbows. I struggled with bouncing from job to job and endless amounts of drama. All of that pales in comparison to my dad passing away. It has rocked me to my core and I don't think I will ever be the same. I miss him every single day, but his death has helped me to hold myself to his standards and live my life in a way that would make him proud of me.

I hope I continue to write and I hope the few of you that read it are entertained by my weird self.  

To “Cielo”, the girl who brought the magic back...

I’ve tried to think of several ways to write this letter without it sounding like some sappy mess, but I’ve had no luck. So here it goes…

            When we met, you had a girlfriend and I had a disaster of a life. You were a very rare combination of utterly sweet and completely aloof. I was hooked from the start. Looking back on it, I don’t think I ever stood a chance. I took one look at you and something in me knew that I had to have you. Fast forward to a year later (almost to the exact day), and I found myself driving to your house to take you on our first official date. I was so nervous I thought I would hurl. I brought flowers and candy. I met your mom, sister, and dog. I was so nervous I thought I would hurl. We went to dinner and barely said more than 10 sentences to each other. This of course led me to freak out internally. I thought you didn’t like me. I imagined you sitting there thinking “what the hell am I doing with her?!” This was made all the more awkward by the fact that I was sleeping over your house that night. The fateful date concluded and we went back to your house. I’ll skip over the nervous jitters because I’m pretty sure you remember them as well as I do.

            At around 12:4(something) AM on May 18^th, 2013 you kissed me for the very first time. I was so nervous I thought I would hurl. I realize this is not the most romantic notion, but it’s the truth. When you kissed me a lot of questions in my mind were suddenly answered. You see, I had wondered why you were put in my path. While I’ve always been inclined towards girls I’ve never really dated one before. Not to mention the fact that my jaded self had completely ruled out the idea of finding anyone special. When you kissed me I knew I was wrong. You’re someone special. That little flutter, or spark, or magic, or whatever you wanna call it, was dead until you came along. I felt it when I first met you but it had been so long that I didn’t recognize it. When you kissed me, I felt something in me light up again. In you I found all the fairy dust that I had given up on.

            We have now been dating for 3 months. It hasn’t been perfect, but nothing ever is. It has been wonderful, exciting, chaotic, fast, and scary. I write you letters when I can’t put into words how I feel about you but even they don’t do you justice. You’ve amazed me. Your sweetness and kindness is unlike anyone else’s. You’re so goddamn beautiful my heart melts just looking at you. When you smile at me I wish I could stop time and stay with you just like that forever. I realize forever is a very scary word for you but whatever, deal with it.

What shocks me the most is how easily you seem to understand me. I’ve tried every way I know how to scare you and test you (sorry about that). It’s not because I want to lose you, quite the opposite actually. I want to know what it is that’s gonna make you go so I can cut that shit out quick. I don’t want to lose you. Those words are scary for me. I try my hardest not to get attached to anyone because I’ve been left behind and forgotten one too many times. I’m attached to you. You make my day better. You make me smile and laugh uncontrollably. You get me. How did this happen? How did I get here? I worked so hard to build up so many walls around my heart that shit was like Ft. Knox. Somehow, you seemed to have just walked right in and made yourself right at home. The weirdest part is how happy I am about it. I should be freaking out. I should be running. I should be scared. I’m not. I don’t know if this is just a temporary something or a forever kind of deal, but whatever it is, I don’t want it to end.

Yours,

Nat

Update: We are still very happily together and she has by far become one of the most positive influences in my life. I'm incredibly lucky and blessed to have her and I remind myself of that every day.

To my inability to dance...

Hello, I am Cuban, did you know that? Yup, Cuban. Born and raised. This means that I am supposed to be able to dance, keep time with beat, and also have a big ass, but I digress. Would it really have been so difficult to give me just a smidge of dancing talents? I mean, I don't want to be a ballerina or anything like that but it would be nice to be able to salsa like every other Cuban ever. I know it's not all your fault, my mom can't dance either so I am aware that there some genetic issues at play here too. However, haven't you heard of mind over matter? We could've made me a better dancer.
I admit, I am at fault for not practicing but my lack of talent is so intense that it's a little pathetic to try. I even suck at Zumba, and no one sucks at Zumba. I often fantasize about how I would dance to certain songs (if I could actually move to the beat, that is). It makes me sad to know that for as much as I imagine the moves; my body will refuse to execute them. It's not so much that I can't move my feet, or my, hips, or my other body parts to the rhythm of the music. The problem starts when I try to move more than one body part at a time to the rhythm of the music. I'm seriously beginning to think that I'm just wired wrong. I feel very Pinocchio-like, wishing I could dance like a real girl. Screw you brain, just screw you.

Sincerely,
Two left feet, can't move to the beat

To the voice in my head that convinced me to do drugs...

What the fuck were you thinking? Seriously, what was the brilliant thought process that led us to that decision, because I sure as hell can't remember? I'm not angry about the weed. I love weed. It makes me happy and its way better than pumping Xanax bars into me to numb my thoughts. I'm mad about the pills and powder. I'm mad because I expected to have better inner voices. I'm mad because I wish you didn't exist. I'm mad because I wish I would've never listened to you.

I was a good girl before then. Ok, maybe not good but I wasn't a borderline junkie. I know that to most people (especially in Miami) taking ecstasy is no big deal, but it is to me. I can't figure out why I did it for so long. Maybe I was searching for something. Maybe I wanted to be someone else. Maybe I was escaping who I was. I do know that I became hooked on that shit. My body craved it, and cleaning my system of it was hell. I hope you enjoyed watching me twitch for no apparent reason. I hope you enjoyed the night terrors. I hope you enjoyed the flashbacks in the middle of the day. I hope you enjoyed watching me sink to my lowest and hurt my family shamelessly in order to get my fix. I sure don't enjoy remembering it, any of it.

I'm not saying that everyone who rolls will become addicted to it, but I did. I still find myself craving that feeling from time to time. I guess I'll always crave it but trust me, I could do without it. The worst part is that I'll never be able to take it back. No matter how much I change or mature, I will always be the girl that rolled in the sand fucked up out of her mind the first time she tried ecstasy. I will always be the girl that did coke with her psychotic ex and didn't tell anyone how much he hurt her. I will always be that girl because I was that girl. It's the mark on my permanent record that I won't let myself forget.

For the record I saw myself completely different at the time. I didn't see myself as an addict or even a party girl. I thought I was fine. I was so not fine. I wish I would've listened to my real friends who tried to snap me out of it. I wish I would've never taken that yellow monkey. I wish I would've stayed home that night. I wish I wouldn't have gone to pick up my dad at the airport while still rolling. I wish I would've seen myself clearly and stopped before the shit hit the fan. Damn you voice in my head, damn you to hell.

Maybe it served me as a lesson; to learn to hold on to myself and not follow others who I know are wrong. Maybe in some weird way it made me stronger. I know everything happens for a reason, but I still can't figure out why you convinced to do it.

Sincerely,

Nat, who is no longer a pookie head

Update: Clean and sober of everything :)

To my first baby...

You lived warm and safe in my belly for 10 weeks. I felt you. Everyone says I'm crazy, but I know I felt you. Your dad was a violent, reckless, drunken asshole. He is the main reason why you only lived for 10 weeks. I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you. It wasn't just about being strong. I wasn't going to be the mom you would've deserved. I'm still so immature and unprepared for life I didn't want you to suffer for me. If I had kept you then you would've never met your dad. I know first hand how much it hurts to grow up without your dad being around. I couldn't do that to you.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was at your dad's house and he was in jail for destroying my car and almost paralyzing someone in the accident (among other things). I stared at that pregnancy test like it was going to catch on fire. I don't know if you know this but I wanted to keep you. I knew I wasn't ready to have you and I knew that it would be a bad life to bring you into but I wanted you. I still want you. Some things you just can't undo baby.
I am constantly haunted by the thought that you felt pain when they took you from me. I am constantly afraid that in punishment for getting rid of you I will never have another baby. You were a blessing, regardless of the circumstance and I rejected you. I am so sorry to have done that to you. I am constantly heart broken at the thought that you don't forgive me. I hope you know that I did it more for you than for me. I still don't know if I made the right choice. I will live with that doubt forever. I often wonder who you would've been. I wonder if you would've been happy or if you would've resented me for giving you a shitty life. It's that last thought that cemented my decision not to have you. I hope you forgive me. You lived warm and safe in my belly for only 10 short weeks, but you were there. I will never forget you. You made me a mom. It's because I'm your mom that I knew that you'd be better off not coming into the world. In those 10 short weeks, you changed me. I loved you even though I didn't know you. I will always love you.


With all my heart,
Mommy

To vodka, you sexy sexy beast...

I love you, honestly I do. I owe so many fun filled nights to you that I thought why not pay a little tribute to the magical elixir that is you. I wish I was a poet so I could write you a wonderful sonnet filled with all the beautiful things I think of you, but alas, I am not. I hope you are content with this simple letter. My favorite way to drink you is with Sprite and a lime wedge, although after a couple of those I honestly don’t care what I’m drinking as long as I’m drinking. I’ve always said that vodka is a dangerous thing, and it is. See, with other forms of alcohol you have a phase where you are tipsy and feeling nice before you get shit faced drunk. With you baby, there is no foreplay. You go from 0 to 60 before I can even notice (especially in shots). I remember very clearly going to a club and drinking only two vodka Sprites and before I knew it I was “allegedly” on my 7^th cup and giving my friend a standing up lap dance (don’t ask). Its nights like these that make me love and hate you.

            While I had a blast that night, and so did my friend, it wasn’t exactly a shining beacon of good girl behavior on my part. If we were to compare alcohol to people, you’d be the bad boy boyfriend that you know you should leave but it’s just too damn good. But fuck it, I’m not exactly known for making good decisions when it comes to love. Sure, I’ve gone through phases where I was loyal to other liquors. In fact a very compelling argument can be made to prove that I’m still not over tequila, but tequila makes me slutty and so our affair has since come to an end. For now, I am a one drink woman, and baby that drink is you. I’m sure we will have many more nights of romance, where you will undoubtedly convince me to do dirty shameful things that I will regret in the morning. I look forward to them.

With love,

Nat (or whatever fake name I gave the creepy guy watching me give that lap dance)

To my father, who will forever be my hero...(written before he died)

We have a special bond. I've known that my whole life. Some of my first memories are of you. Talking to me like I was an adult and fueling my curiosity with your never ending knowledge of the world. You are the reason I am me. Even though I left you so young I never once doubted our bond. I was so angry at you for such a long time. I was angry because I knew that in order for me to leave my home you had to say it was OK. I hated you for saying it was OK. I wished you would've fought for me to stay. I believed with all my heart that you simply didn't care whether I was there or not. Being the bastard child tends to have that effect.
I don't know if you know this but I have a hard time feeling yours. Even as a child it baffled me how you and my siblings were so tall and athletic and different. Being short, clumsy, and looking like a mini version of my mom did not help your case. Don't get me wrong, I've never doubted if you're my real dad I just felt like I didn't belong. You had your wife (whom I adore) and you had my brothers and sister with her, and you guys were a family. And then there was me and my mom, and for as long as I can remember she was my family. I didn't know where you fit into that equation and therefore I didn't know where I fit in your equation. Leave it to me to over analyze how YOUR affair affected MY status in the family. To be fair you and my mom did a stellar job at managing the little mess you created (I still know my custody schedule by heart), but that didn't stop me from feeling out of place in both families. I guess maybe that's it, while everyone else had one family unit, I had my mom's family and my dad's family and the twain shall never meet.
In spite of that, you are the best father a girl could ask for. I remember you used to come see me every day and would ask me a million questions about my day. I always felt like you were the one person who truly cared what I had to say. You valued my opinions and I so needed it. It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to share so many things with you. It hurts me more than you can imagine knowing that you won't be the one to walk me down the aisle. But you made the choices that led you to your current state and I can't punish myself for them. I know it hurts you more than it hurts me.
Your ever so fragile health has never been a secret to me. You've been sick for as long as I've been alive. In fact, I'm told you had one of your first heart attacks while holding me. In many ways I am so angry at you for not caring enough to take better care of yourself. You may never get to see me graduate. You may never get to meet my future spouse. You may never get to hold my kids or teach them the things you taught me. You may miss out on some of the most important moments in my life. The irrational side of my brain wants to know why I didn't matter enough to make you want to get better. I want to know why you were satisfied to only be a grandfather to my siblings' kids. I want to know why you didn't care enough to be healthy for me. I want to know why I got stuck with the short end of the stick.
I know that you didn't mean to be sick but you know that you could've taken better care of yourself. Every time I heard that you were in the hospital or feeling really bad, I silently prayed that this time you'd get scared enough to change. It finally came but I think it came too late. I still don't trust that you'll stay healthy. I still don't trust that you won't go back to your old ways. I'm more or less prepared for the news that you didn't.
I hope I can be as good of a parent to my own kids. I hope my kids feel like I believe in them like you believe in me. No matter how angry I am at you, I wouldn't trade you for the world. You are always first and foremost, my hero; the one who used to wake me up from my nightmares and make it all better, the one who taught me how to swim, the one who was fearless, the one who I felt safe with. Never doubt my love for you. Never doubt how much I need you. Please fight to be in my life forever.
Love always,
Parruchi