To my first baby...

You lived warm and safe in my belly for 10 weeks. I felt you. Everyone says I'm crazy, but I know I felt you. Your dad was a violent, reckless, drunken asshole. He is the main reason why you only lived for 10 weeks. I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you. It wasn't just about being strong. I wasn't going to be the mom you would've deserved. I'm still so immature and unprepared for life I didn't want you to suffer for me. If I had kept you then you would've never met your dad. I know first hand how much it hurts to grow up without your dad being around. I couldn't do that to you.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was at your dad's house and he was in jail for destroying my car and almost paralyzing someone in the accident (among other things). I stared at that pregnancy test like it was going to catch on fire. I don't know if you know this but I wanted to keep you. I knew I wasn't ready to have you and I knew that it would be a bad life to bring you into but I wanted you. I still want you. Some things you just can't undo baby.
I am constantly haunted by the thought that you felt pain when they took you from me. I am constantly afraid that in punishment for getting rid of you I will never have another baby. You were a blessing, regardless of the circumstance and I rejected you. I am so sorry to have done that to you. I am constantly heart broken at the thought that you don't forgive me. I hope you know that I did it more for you than for me. I still don't know if I made the right choice. I will live with that doubt forever. I often wonder who you would've been. I wonder if you would've been happy or if you would've resented me for giving you a shitty life. It's that last thought that cemented my decision not to have you. I hope you forgive me. You lived warm and safe in my belly for only 10 short weeks, but you were there. I will never forget you. You made me a mom. It's because I'm your mom that I knew that you'd be better off not coming into the world. In those 10 short weeks, you changed me. I loved you even though I didn't know you. I will always love you.


With all my heart,
Mommy