To my father, who will forever be my hero...(written before he died)

We have a special bond. I've known that my whole life. Some of my first memories are of you. Talking to me like I was an adult and fueling my curiosity with your never ending knowledge of the world. You are the reason I am me. Even though I left you so young I never once doubted our bond. I was so angry at you for such a long time. I was angry because I knew that in order for me to leave my home you had to say it was OK. I hated you for saying it was OK. I wished you would've fought for me to stay. I believed with all my heart that you simply didn't care whether I was there or not. Being the bastard child tends to have that effect.
I don't know if you know this but I have a hard time feeling yours. Even as a child it baffled me how you and my siblings were so tall and athletic and different. Being short, clumsy, and looking like a mini version of my mom did not help your case. Don't get me wrong, I've never doubted if you're my real dad I just felt like I didn't belong. You had your wife (whom I adore) and you had my brothers and sister with her, and you guys were a family. And then there was me and my mom, and for as long as I can remember she was my family. I didn't know where you fit into that equation and therefore I didn't know where I fit in your equation. Leave it to me to over analyze how YOUR affair affected MY status in the family. To be fair you and my mom did a stellar job at managing the little mess you created (I still know my custody schedule by heart), but that didn't stop me from feeling out of place in both families. I guess maybe that's it, while everyone else had one family unit, I had my mom's family and my dad's family and the twain shall never meet.
In spite of that, you are the best father a girl could ask for. I remember you used to come see me every day and would ask me a million questions about my day. I always felt like you were the one person who truly cared what I had to say. You valued my opinions and I so needed it. It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to share so many things with you. It hurts me more than you can imagine knowing that you won't be the one to walk me down the aisle. But you made the choices that led you to your current state and I can't punish myself for them. I know it hurts you more than it hurts me.
Your ever so fragile health has never been a secret to me. You've been sick for as long as I've been alive. In fact, I'm told you had one of your first heart attacks while holding me. In many ways I am so angry at you for not caring enough to take better care of yourself. You may never get to see me graduate. You may never get to meet my future spouse. You may never get to hold my kids or teach them the things you taught me. You may miss out on some of the most important moments in my life. The irrational side of my brain wants to know why I didn't matter enough to make you want to get better. I want to know why you were satisfied to only be a grandfather to my siblings' kids. I want to know why you didn't care enough to be healthy for me. I want to know why I got stuck with the short end of the stick.
I know that you didn't mean to be sick but you know that you could've taken better care of yourself. Every time I heard that you were in the hospital or feeling really bad, I silently prayed that this time you'd get scared enough to change. It finally came but I think it came too late. I still don't trust that you'll stay healthy. I still don't trust that you won't go back to your old ways. I'm more or less prepared for the news that you didn't.
I hope I can be as good of a parent to my own kids. I hope my kids feel like I believe in them like you believe in me. No matter how angry I am at you, I wouldn't trade you for the world. You are always first and foremost, my hero; the one who used to wake me up from my nightmares and make it all better, the one who taught me how to swim, the one who was fearless, the one who I felt safe with. Never doubt my love for you. Never doubt how much I need you. Please fight to be in my life forever.
Love always,
Parruchi