7.6 Miles and 3 Iguanas

This Saturday my GF had the great idea of walking from her house to the beach...

3.8 miles there and 3.8 miles back.

In case I've ever given anyone the impression that I'm an active/athletic/fit person, I'm not. Like weekly Zumba classes kick my ass...

But, the GF is pretty and I'm a sucker for cute smiles. We walked.

Are you ready to be shocked? 

It wasn't horrible. Don't get me wrong, we live in Miami, it was hotter than the devil's closet (is that a thing? I'm making it a thing) and the air was humid and just really hard to breathe. (read: I'm out of shape and it was hard to breathe) We did have a great time though. We laughed a lot and we had bacon jerky as a snack. It was so good. It was probably the tastiest thing ever. Exercise makes my taste buds have really low standards apparently. 

My only complaint would have to be the wild life.

I am scared of frogs and lizards. This is not a secret to anyone. Iguanas however, are a whole new ball game. They are the spawns of Satan. They look prehistoric and pretty much turn me into a high pitch screaming/whining mess. I don't wish any harm to come to them and I do understand the role they play in the ecosystem. I am well aware that it is not their fault they look that way or that I'm scared of them. Ok, now that Peta doesn't hate me anymore...there were 3 of the ugliest iguanas I have ever seen in my life out and about during our little adventure. The first two were safely tucked away behind the fence of a golf course so it honestly wasn't that bad. We crossed the street and I did some Lamaze breathing and we were on our way. The third iguana, God help me I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth when I saw it. Was it behind a safe fence? Nope. Could I cross the street to escape? Not a fucking chance (6 lane bridge thing). Was it horrible looking? YES. I made the GF stomp around while she laughed at me in order to scare it back into the bushes because it was literally like a foot away from the sidewalk that we were on and omg gag. After the little beast scurried back to the underworld the bush where all the other iguanas were probably hanging out, I walked fast and tense past the area (which was also the up part for the bridge because fuck you Nat, that's why) and the GF tried to hide her laughter. Mind you, this was on the way back to her house and I was hot and in pain and scared and yea, we got in a mini fight...and then two more mini fights, completely unrelated to iguanas. 

But, we made it! 

We lived!

We dined on Chik-fil-A and it was so delicious I almost cried!

When we made it back to he house after dinner we were both super sore and super swore that we would never do that again...

 We're going again next weekend because she's pretty and I have no willpower.

Fun Fact Friday

Also known as, I couldn't come up with anything better to say today...

 1. I overuse the words; like, totally, and super. Like, a lot. I may or may not have used a sentence that started with "It was totally like super ______ ." It's awful. I know.

2. I say my favorite color is blue, but secretly, it' pink. Ok, maybe not so secretly because my blog is pink but yea... It just doesn't sound very grown up when you say pink. So, it's blue guys. My favorite color is pink blue.

3. I am addicted to Sharpies. Preferably the ultra fine tip ones. I write almost everything I can using multi colored Sharpies. YAYYY Sharpies!

4. I really hate saying/writing "Needless to say" or "It goes without saying". I mean, I still use them but they annoy me to no end.

5. Today I smiled at my neighbor's dog. I did not smile at my neighbor.

 

Because we all need a little laugh in the morning...

Thanks Lulu for finding this last night and making my drive home super hilarious!

Click it. Read it. Laugh your ass off. Repeat. 

Our Eggs Are Dying

Let's enter a judgment free zone...

 In this zone I will confess something super weird about myself and you all will just accept it and maybe laugh a little and totally not judge me at all.

So, um, okay. My biological clock may need to be reset or rebooted or autotuned...wait, that's not right...I'm not good with techy stuff but the point is that its fucked up. What do I mean when I say this? Glad you asked. My uterus has been screaming at me to impregnate it for like, a while now. I am well aware that it probably has a lot to do with this but even still, it's suuuuuper annoying.

The problem is that I have accomplished like ZERO of the things on my Knocked Up Bucket List...

(I'm really into bullet point posts these days)

• I have not been to Venice. Can you even take babies to Venice? Wouldn't it be super hard getting in and out of gondolas with a stroller? And those things do not have a trunk for you to store all the crap things essential to a baby's survival.
• I have not gotten neither my B.A. nor my M.B.A. and I'm pretty sure babies are a major like full time commitment that I do not wish to undertake that whilst working a full time job and getting some kind of degree in something or the other.
• I am still not even a full grown up. I don't know why I pay taxes. I don't understand Social Security. I don't know how mortgages and property taxes work because it still seems like paying rent just way more expensive and to banks instead of a nosy Cuban old lady. How am I expected to raise a good law abiding tax paying citizen when I'm not even entirely positive whether I am one or not?

Ok so, yes there are teen moms all over the country popping babies out of their schmaginas like those tennis ball machine things and they haven't done any of those things either.

Probably.

Kids are like major over achievers these days.

Well, maybe not the pregnant ones...

What was I saying?

OH! Okay, yea I am super unprepared to bring life into this world. Also, it involves like a fairly close interaction with sperm and I am currently not on speaking terms with any of that. I don't drive a car that is safe for anyone a baby. I don't even own a bed. AND, I can't even remember to take care of my Sims some times...or the little people of my Virtual Families 2 family...or my cat. Fuck, did I feed the cat today? I did. I totally did...I hope.

With all of this in mind, I ask...what the fudge uterus?! Put down that Babies R' Us catalog and go feed the cat dude. Get with the program because babies are still like 3ish years away man. 

Yes my uterus is a guy, because only a dude would cause cramps like that and totally try to play it off as a good thing talking shit like "oh that's how we give life and populate the earth" and whatever, you suck. Asshole. No babies...yet. 

Today is not the day

My creativity sucks today. My writing sucks today. And my thighs are really sore because I did Zumba yesterday...

Please enjoy these super cute Key West Birthday Trip pics...

Yes, I took a disposable camera. Film is not dead yet people! (although, it did take like 2 weeks to get them back so never doing that again)