To the greatest mother in the world, mine...

You deserve better than me. I will never have enough words to tell you how sorry I am. I have put you through hell. I have done more to you than any parent deserves. For every time I called you a bitch (to your face or not), I am sorry. For every time I stole from you to support my selfish party girl life, I am sorry. For the night you found out your only daughter was a pill popping shell of herself, I am sorry. You have been my # 1 fan my whole life and I never saw it. I've spent more time than I care to remember being so angry at you. I've blamed you for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. It was easier for me to make you the bad guy than to accept the reality. I know you always did the best you could and I am so sorry I never recognized it.

I need not to question whether you'll forgive me. I know you already have. I don't understand why you would because I don't deserve it, but I digress. You used to always tell me that I loved my dad more than I loved you and it used to drive me crazy because it's just not true. I love my dad in different way. I've spent my whole life wanting more of him. Never having enough time with him and never putting enough effort into my relationship with him (I'm aware of how dumb that sounds). But I love you more. Because of his health issues or because I didn't live with him or because of my own fucked up mind, I've become accustomed to not having my dad. As horrible as it sounds, I know I can live without him. I can't imagine me without you.

From the beginning it’s been us against the world. I'm also sorry you got stuck with such a crappy partner. I firmly believe that after the “I'm sorry” should come the “thank you”. Thank you for never giving up on me, no matter how many times you said you would. Thank you for always believing that I am worth more than how I act. Thank you for never letting me give up on myself. Thank you for putting up with my lies and bullshit. Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.

One day I will become a mother. One day I will feel the love you've felt for me all of these years. One day (actually a lot of days) my kids will break my heart just like I have broken yours. I don't think I will forgive myself until that day. See, as much as it hurts me to have failed you, I know it hurts you more. We're still far from that day, but I know its coming. My only hope is that when it does, I have you by my side. I want more than anything to share those moments with you. I want to live a life that makes you proud of me.

I remember when I was little; I wanted so desperately to please you. I went through a phase where I rebelled against that instinct, but I know now that it was right all along. Neither one of us is perfect by far. There are still a lot of pent up resentments that make us lash out at each other. At least we're trying to get through it. The fact that, no matter what I do you still try to fix me, makes me love you more every day. I know I don't show it as much as I should, but I love you more than words can say. You are truly an exceptional mother and woman. I will spend the rest of my life trying to fill your shoes. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for all of this shit. Hold on to your faith in me, because God knows I have very little faith in myself.

Always yours,

Nani


Update: My relationship with my mom is still a work in progress but I'm happy to say that it is improving. Perhaps not remarkably or in a speedy fashion but, slow and steady wins the race.