My dad died

As you may have guessed from the “For my dad…” post, he died. I get that this may sound cold or detached but I don’t really know what else to day. What’s the term for when one of your parents dies? I’m not orphaned, my mom is still alive and kicking (my ass), and I didn’t lose him because to me that implies that this was somehow my fault. “He’s in a better place”, well I don’t know that. I have no clue where he is. He could still be at the terminal at the heaven airport or something. Who knows what happens. All I know for sure is that my dad died. It’s the only sentence that makes sense. The rest is still too messy for me to wade through, but I’m trying.

You also may have guessed I’m choosing to include you in that process. So far it hasn’t been what I expected. You see, I’ve been preparing for my dad’s death since I was very very young. He always had a cornucopia of semi-life threatening illnesses and he was never too keen on taking good care of himself. He smoked, in spite of his heart issues and a pulmonary edema in 2006. He ate whatever he wanted, in spite of him being diabetic since he was in his 30s.  He had multiple heart attacks, and was getting weaker by the day. Needless to say, I saw it coming.

Actually, I think my subconscious saw it coming long before I did. My dad got sick and died within a week after father’s day. I spoke to him for quite some time on that day and told him how much better I was feeling and that I felt that I was finally on a good path. He told me how much peace that brought him and in retrospect, it was probably the best “last” conversation we could’ve had.  The only problem with that is that I didn’t know it would be our last. There are so many things I wish I could’ve said to him and so many questions that I still need answered.

Like every daughter with a semi-absent father, I crave his approval more than anything. It is mainly because of this that I shut my dad out of most aspects of my life during the past few years. My reasoning was that I was making disapproving choices and it made no sense to break his heart when he couldn’t do anything to change it. I also figured that I would have time. I thought I’d be able to get my life back together and allow my dad back into it. I wanted to rebuild our relationship once I was a daughter he could be proud of. I thought I’d have the time to become close again. I thought, I thought, I thought…

The reality is, no matter how much I prepared for it over the years, I was completely unprepared. I have no idea how to deal with this or even how I’m supposed to feel about any of it. I try to write about it but everything is either too emotional to be useful, or so detached it seems cold. All I want is to ask my dad how to deal with this. I want one last chance to tell him all the things I didn’t get to say. I want to ask him all of the questions that will now go unanswered. I want to share with him the life I have, the person I love, and the life I hope to have. I want to know that he approves of me. I want to know that he is with me. I want to know that he is proud of me. I want my dad back.