I have nothing left of you. My entire memory of you is comprised of scattered moments throughout my early childhood, 2 summers and 2 Christmas vacations spread out over the last (almost) 23 years. I realize now how little I know about you. I don't know your favorite color, what kind of music you like, or even what cologne you wore. I don't remember the details of you. And now they're gone. Just like you. All I have left are my memories. All I can ever find out about you now are other people's perceptions of you and their memories of you. It seems like you've vanished into thin air. How is it possible for a person to simply cease to exist? I feel helpless. I feel abandoned. I feel angry. I feel betrayed. But worst of all, most of the time, I feel nothing at all. You have disappeared. It's so strange to me that even though I grew up mostly without you, I've always felt connected to you and now it seems like I'm left standing with the cable and nowhere to plug in to. Where are you? Can you even see me? Can you see that I am drowning? Not the kind of drowning that kills you and makes you instinctively fight to live. Instead I drown slowly. I let the soothing waves of nothingness extinguish me. Maybe then I'll find you. Maybe you've drowned in the nothingness too.
To be continued....once I'm feeling less morose...
No comments:
Post a Comment