How to Lock the Monsters in their Cages...

It seems to me that after being alive for a certain amount of time, life decides that the fun days are over and shit gets real. It is at this point that you start experiencing what therapists call "traumatic events" and "defining moments". While I am clearly not an expert at over coming life's hurdles, I do have some experience in maintaining a sense of normalcy when it feels like the world has spun out of it axis and we are all hurdling towards our imminent death.
So what I'd like to do is share with you some of my steps to help guide you through recovery;

1. Get the fuck out of bed. No matter how hard the pain you are feeling may be, the world is still spinning and your life is still going. Laying in bed wallowing in your own misery will not solve anything. 

2. Continue your routine as normally as possible. I understand fully that when you are dealing with some especially emotionally taxing stuff it may make you want to punch everyone in the face. That's okay, just don't actually punch people in the face, cops seem to take that pretty seriously. I guarantee that even the mild distraction of your mind-numbing job will help.

3. Do as many "happy" things as you can. We all have some activities or guilty pleasures that just seem to make it all better. Cling to that with all you got. (Disclaimer: Results may very if those "happy" things involve drugs or alcohol, trust me I've looked into this).

4. Put yourself on a sad time allowance. I know it sounds crazy but it has worked for me in the past. It's understandable that you're sad or just plain broken. You need to give yourself time to heal, but you're not doing yourself any favors if that time is 24/7. Try to limit how much time you spend pondering over the "what ifs" and other depressing crap. Gradually reduce the time you spend until you have no need for it.

5. Constantly remind yourself that there are still things to look forward to. I know it seems far fetched right now but you've gotten over pain before and you'll get over this too. The sun will shine, birds will sing, babies will giggle, and all will be right in the world again. Chin up buttercup, you'll be okay.

I hope you take my advice to heart and that things get better sooner rather than later. Remember the ones you love and that they love you. Everything will be okay, I promise.

I didn't write it for you...

The more I write the more I am starting to take into account how the things I say will affect the people I say them to. That wouldn't be a problem for most people because they can put their emotions on the back burner in order to satisfy their own needs, I can't. My hope is that the people whom my letters are addressed to will understand that I didn't write them for them. I write for me. I have no intentions of stirring up the past or going back to the way things were. My only intention is to release the things that I feel. I am well aware that some of the things I write will hurt people and poke at a lot of old wounds, but that's not what I want. Nothing that I write is meant to fix any of my mistakes. The letters I've written to my exes and ex friends are not meant to change the current state of our relationships. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all I want is to speak my peace while I still can...nothing more and nothing less.

To "Emilio II", because it hasn't even been 24 hours and I already miss him...(I didn't pick his code name)

It has been 11 years since you and I met. I still remember seeing you in the hallways of our middle school. You walked around like you were above it all and just too cool for school. It intrigued me. It was more than just curiosity that led me to you. I’ve always felt a weird magnetic pull towards you. We’ve gone through break ups, drama, fights, career changes, puberty, etc. and yet we manage to always find our way back to each other. Granted, a lot of that had to do with the fact that for the first 6 or 7 years you really wanted to get in my pants, but that’s not the point. During the past year our friendship has evolved more than it did during the first 10 combined.  Chalk it up to us living together for about 6 months, or sharing highly confidential information with each other, or just plain dumb luck. Regardless of the reason, I am so glad we did. I’ve told you many times that it’s hard for me to know where I stand with you because you’re not exactly the most expressive of people, but I’ve learned to pick up on your cues. For example, when you give me speeches about how my life is a mess, I know it’s because you honestly care for my well being. Along with bonding with each other, this past year we also bonded with each other’s families and that is something I treasure. It’s not easy for me to allow people into my inner circle. For as loud and out there as I am, I rarely trust anyone enough to really let them in. However, you’ve been the exception to that rule since day 1. You make me feel safe, and it’s not just the soldier thing, it’s a you thing. I slept soundly (most nights), knowing that if by some chance my nightmares became a reality; you were there to protect me. You have taught me so much, including how to parallel park, and for that I am thankful. I’m even willing to share partial custody of Sophie, who has since then become your foster-kitty. I still have all of the pictures of you playing with her and the underwear I bought you, which even I’ll admit is a little weird but whatever (they’re awesome). It brings a smile to my face whenever I look at them because they remind me of all the fun we had together. They also make me incredibly sad because we won’t have fun like that again. You’ve moved on with your life and I’m incredibly proud of the choices you’ve made. I’ll admit, you moving to Colorado left me feeling a bit abandoned and I don’t think any amount of daily phone calls will change that. I don’t seem to handle being left behind too well. I know you did it for you. I know you did it for your career. I know it was the best choice. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck either way. We often joke about how I will handle your deployment but the truth is I have no clue how I’m going to get through it. You have become a very vital part of my life and for better or worse, you leaving just plain hurts. I know one thing for sure, from the moment your plane ascends to when the wheels finally touch ground again, I’ll be praying for your safe return.We are not the same kids we were when we met. You have matured into a strong man whom I am proud to call my friend. We still have a long way to go but there’s no one else I’d rather fight my battles with. By the way, I did not curse once in your letter so I get extra points for that.

Love you (even when I hate you),

Natalia (I still hate that you call me that)

To my fan...or stalker...

So I've noticed a pattern y'all...
Every time I post something within a minute or two someone has gone to read it. I don't know if it's the same person but if it is OMG hiiiiii :) 
You are my first ever fan/stalker and I so love you either way. It would be amazing if I could see who you were but I also kind of don't want to; 1. because I like the mystery and 2. because there's a very high chance that my mom is the only one that reads this.
Regardless of what the case is, I will try to stay interesting and at least remotely funny for you. Thanks for paying attention to my rants.

Love ya <3

To the Neil Armstrong of my Vagina...

I still remember how we met. You were the first person I talked to freshman year. You spent our entire high school career staring down my shirt. I remember whenever I’d catch you doing it, you’d just flash me a smile and say it’s “the perks of being tall”.  You were always so blatantly honest and shamelessly deceitful all in one that I didn’t know if we were even friends half the time. Regardless of all the stupid arguments and drama, I always knew you were going to be someone special in my life. Of course at the time I thought that meant that you were going to be just another guy I crushed on and got crushed by. Instead I had the revelation to make you more than that. I wanted you to be a memory I’d smile about for the rest of my life.

Unbeknownst to you, I decided to give you the most important possession I had. Once again, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was a virgin and if it’s any consolation, you were perfect. This is not something a lot of girls get to say. Most, I’ve found, look back on their first time with regret because it’s tainted with the heart break that followed. We weren’t in love, hell we weren’t even together, but I knew it was right. I’d had boyfriends who tried to be the first man on that particular moon but none ever made it past the launch pad. With you I was completely relaxed. There was never a doubt in my mind whether or not it should be with you.

It’s been almost 5 years since that fateful afternoon, and I still have no regrets. You were exactly what I needed at the time. You’re still exactly what I need actually. I miss you like crazy sometimes. It’s not just the sex, which is great by the way, it’s just you. Being around you makes the day better. You always have something interesting or funny to say. You’re smart and driven and just intoxicating fun. I wish I could say that we’ll see each other soon. I wish I could say that we’ll have another chance to make all those late night sexting sessions a reality. I wish I knew how your part in my story will unfold. Unfortunately, the sobering truth is that we may never see each other again. You live 1,000 miles away and neither one of us is going to make that pilgrimage just for sex. We say we will, but we both know we won’t. Knowing you and fucking you has been a thrill ride.

Forever yours,

Nat (and more importantly, the first few voyages into my deep space)

The one that got away or whatever...

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the only one with complicated exes. Allow me to paint you a word picture; 
Last night, while I was rocking an awesome wine buzz, I started going through pictures on my phone. Have you ever had someone in your life that you know you guys would be perfect together? Me too. Except, we don't see each other that way at all. Still I can't help but ask myself if I'm choosing the wrong people in general. Here is someone who; has the same sense of humor as me, can hold a conversation, has insatiable wanderlust (as do I), and is just plain great. He's what you'd call a "perfect on paper guy". I just can't, for some reason, make myself want him. 
I say that I want certain qualities in a guy and he has all of them, in spades, but nothing. Instead I fall for the "where the hell did you find him" guys. Thug is usually my preference, but you can't date a thug and expect a gentleman. It's basically like saying you want Prince William but you end up dating Eminem. How do you change your taste? Actually not my taste, how do you change your attractions? Because I seriously need to stop going for the homeboys and start going for the good boys.

A fan letter to Taylor Swift...

Can I just tell you how great you are? I’ve never really considered myself a fan of any artist. I enjoy many different kinds of music but do not pledge my allegiance to anyone in particular. That being said, I fan girl the fuck out for you. I don’t know if you curse but I have a mouth like a sailor and I apologize for that. Your music inspires me. Before I ever heard any of your songs, I thought I was the only one who hurt so deeply when they had their heart broken.  When I first heard one your songs I was going through a horrible break up. Your words resonated with me so deeply and I was instantly hooked. The main reason for my writing this letter is to thank you. You have given us hopelessly romantic saps a voice, and a beautiful one at that.

            My dream is to one day be front row at one of your concerts. Actually, my dream is to move to Nashville and we can become friends and write songs together, but that sounds a little stalker-ish so I’ll go with the concert thing. I’ve watched so many of your interviews and I know all the words to your songs because I believe they are genuine. I may not know you in person but because your music is so open and honest I feel a connection with you nonetheless. I hope you continue to make amazing music and that you find great happiness in your life.

With love and admiration,

Nat

P.S. Meredith is adorable.