Yesterday was difficult...to say the least

I knew that by taking this project on I was going to have to write about some of the more painful times in my short life. What I didn't know is how hard that would be...

I haven't lived a charmed life, in any sense of the word. However, the fact that most of the traumatic events in my life were fairly spaced out, gave me this unrealistic sense of comfort. Yesterday when I began writing about some of the darker things (drug use, sexual abuse, abortion, etc.) I realized that my life had not been that happy bubble I'd always imagined. Up until this point I had been content to let the demons hang out in the back of my mind. They never really bothered me, or so I thought. I've slowly come to realize just how much they've influenced me and made me who I am. Something else I learned yesterday; don't judge a book by its cover. I know it's an old cliche and everyone knows it by heart but I never really understood it. Allow me to explain, I shared some of the letters I've been working on with my best friend. I expected her to give me her opinion on them and maybe make some suggestions. Her actual reaction blew my mind. She was so moved having found out things about me that we'd never discussed. She shared with me some very personal information as I had done with her. Without a doubt yesterday was a crucial day in our friendship. Through sharing the things that have haunted us for so long, we were able to develop a much stronger bond. If it's possible, I love her even more now.

I wrote this letter for her before all the secret sharing but every word of it still rings true, only so much deeper now;

To Rossy, my soul mate.

Oh baby, what can I say to you that I haven't already said. God bless the fucked up road that led me to you. Being your friend has been one of the only perks of the worst heart break I've ever felt. Did you know that in my eyes you are effortlessly amazing? Your no bullshit style of speaking leaves me in awe. I can't imagine who I would be without having met you. You succeeded at snapping me out of the dark place, which is a task previously thought to be impossible. We're so different that I don't even know how we manage to stay friends. You're so strong and proud and you hold on to your convictions. I am not strong or proud and I'm as flaky as a puff pastry. I need you desperately. You make me better.
I know this all may sound like I'm professing my undying love for you, and in truth I am. We both know how hard we work to stay friends. You know that you're the one I run to when shit gets real. I know that no matter what happens I will always have you to run to. But you know all of this. I've told you countless times how much you mean to me. I want to tell you some things that you may not know.

You are amazing. You're kind, smart, and beautiful inside and out.

I will always have your back. No matter what life puts us through I will fight to the bitter end for you.

Both times that you left for New York I cried inconsolably in the car. I didn't want to cry in front of you because I knew it wouldn't make it any easier for you to leave, but it hurt like hell.

I feel incredibly blessed that you are in my life.

I wish I knew how our story ends up. I mean, I know how I want it to end up but not how it will end up. I hope that we grow old together and happy. I hope our kids become best friends. It amazes me how much I trust you. I don't trust anyone. I don't know how you pulled that off, but you did. I trust you with everything. It scares the shit out of me. I've been here before. I've trusted, and loved, and depended on someone. She fucked me over. Please don't fuck me over. Even as I write the words, they seem ridiculous to me. You're so blunt and honest all the time that I never once doubt whether you mean what you say. You're never afraid to hurt my feelings. You tell me what I need to hear even if I don't want to hear it. When we fight, we never hold back. We sometimes take it too far and say some fucked up shit to each other but underneath all the anger and fire is the truth. I believe that more than anything else. I know you don't use me because I have nothing left anyone to use and you're still here. I know what we have is true friendship because we are real to each other.
I love you because we hate the same people. I love you because you're just as dark and twisted as I am. I love you because you make me laugh even when I'm bursting into tears. I love you because you know when to let me cry and not make me laugh. I love you because you're my favorite person to get high with. I love you because you're my favorite person to get drunk with. I love you because you are you.

Forever your soul mate,

Nattiiee