The Hunter

The past is a dark and scary place. This I have know for as long as I can remember. I have spent the majority my adult life running from it. I have compartmentalized my memories so efficiently that I am seldom bothered by the thoughts I've put away in the forbidden section of my mind. This allows me to live my life with a sense of normalcy. I go to work, I see friends, I go on dates, I live a normal life. While I'm awake anyway. My dreams are a different story. I've given up them nightmares. They come so often that we've become old friends. It's always the same scenario; I'm being hunted. It's not always in the same place or in the same way, but it is always the same person. He has been hunting me since I was about 6 or 7. I still remember the first time so vividly that it sends chills down my spine. I wish I knew who he was. I wish I could face him head on and tell him to just fucking quite already. But as luck would have it, my subconscious is just not that kind. Apparently allowing me to defend myself is not nearly as fun as tormenting me for 16 years. My hunter must live such a happy life. Getting his fill of chasing me through the ever-changing mazes of my own design. How is it possible for me to be so pathetically helpless in my own mind? How is it possible to be haunted by the same figment of my imagination for more than a decade? These are the questions that invade my thoughts in the aftermath of each dream. On these days, I do not live a normal life. I put myself of auto-pilot and try to decipher the inexplicable.

Review, rewind, and play...

I figured the best way to sumarize everything is to just break it into categories;

Romance:

* Still single with little to no mingling. I can't make myself really like anyone or get impressed by anyone or whatever. Yes I am well aware that it is all in my head and I have to be more receptive to new possibilities and bla bla bla...whatever, fuck that.

Finance:

*Still broke as a fucking joke. But things are looking up because my mom is helping me manage my salary so I can get out of debt in a timely fashion.

Career/Plans for the future:

*I'm actually getting a lot closer to figuring out what it is that I want to do long term. The main thing that I'm struggling with is what if I pick something that is a cop out. What if I have the potential to great things and I let myself settle for mediocre?

Family:

*The don't talk to me and I don't talk to them. Things are vastly improving with my mom though.

Friends:

*Rossy is back from NY and that has been amazing. Now all I need is Luisa and my life will be perfect.

So there you have it, some things have improved and some haven't. That's life I guess, or at least that's what your 20s are like...

Well this is awkward...

I haven't really written anything in a while, but it's mostly because I can't even begin to make sense of all the shit going on in my head. Also because I haven't really written anything worth sharing. However, I did promise myself that I would share everything. So here we go again, I'm gonna make one post that pretty much sums up the past couple of months...

You’re My Knight in Shining Tin Foil

Whenever the shit hits the fan, my first instinct is to turn to one person. I feel a sense of comfort and safety from him even though he does nothing to make me feel safe. More and more it is becoming clear the he genuinely doesn't give a shit about me or the things that trouble me. He shows a complete disregard for my feelings and often goes out of his way to mean and hurtful to me. In spite of all of this, I still run to him. I dive head first into the heart ache and late night sobs.  I’m not waiting for him to magically change because I know that won’t happen. This is the way things are now. The person who was once my biggest ally is now my worst torment. Why do I continue to seek him out? Why can’t I just release him and find comfort within myself?

I can’t understand why I do this to myself. I feel weak, cheap, and foolish whenever I’m around him. I desperately cling to this idea that somewhere underneath all of his hate is the boy I met long ago. I want so badly for him to say the right things. I want him to take all the pain away and just make me feel safe again. In a way I’m thankful he behaves this way. I hope and pray that every mean word chips away the love I have for him. Maybe one day I’ll feel nothing at all. One day he’ll say or do something so awful that I’ll be free of him. I’m not exactly known for doing things easily so maybe this is just the only way I’ll ever be truly rid of him.

Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve…Didn’t

I wish I could meet my 10 year old self, my 13 year old self, my 16 year old self, and last but not least my 18 year old self. I’m sure I’m not the only one with that wish. I know that most people want to meet their former selves to right some wrong or to try to alter the life that are now living. I don’t. I only wish to visit the past to tell myself one thing, be strong. I've faced my fair share of critics along the way. I can say with all honesty that after age 8 I lost my zest. I used to be a feisty little kid who didn't take shit from anyone. But the sad truth is that as puberty wreaked its havoc on my emotions, it also made me incredibly sensitive.

I wish that at the aforementioned ages I would've had the courage to stand up for myself. I wish I would've felt about myself then, the way that I do now. I don’t know if it would make any significant change in my current life but I do know that it make me a lot prouder of my past. Alas, time travel is not possible yet (well, that we know at least) so I cannot go back to give myself pep talks. The only thing I can do now is remind myself to be courageous and to be myself now, at 22 years old and on.

I think this is a good way to start…

How to treat a Virgo…or at least this Virgo

Recently, I've noticed that my 2 closest friends are surrounded by Virgos. I've also noticed, through listening to them, that we are not easy to handle. We found something on WikiHow, but it had 27 rules and seriously who is really gonna remember all of that...

My point is that, inspired by them and WikiHow I've decided to make a much more simplified version...enjoy.

Rule #1 Don’t bullshit

We can usually spot it from a mile away and honestly it won’t win you many points. We may play along for a while or even learn to grin and bear it, but trust me, it’s not our favorite.

Rule #2 Express your thoughts

We are not good at hard to get. We HATE games. Be honest and upfront with us. We can sense when someone is hiding something so please just be yourself.

Rule #3 Make us laugh

I don’t think I’ve ever met a Virgo that didn’t love people with a great sense of humor. We are pretty easy going once you get us laughing.

Rule #4 Be affectionate

We like to express our feelings physically (insert dirty joke here). Got it out of your system? Good, let’s continue…Oh yea, we love hugs, cuddles, high fives…everything.

Rule #5 Be kind

Whether its towards us or those around you, we love people who are good at heart. Show kindness towards an animal, child, or pretty much anyone and you will win us over for sure.

I hope this is helpful to my friends, those who deal with me, and those dealing with their own Virgos...

Procrastinating...please hold while I get my shit together

I have not written a damn thing worth reading in over a month. This a brand new level of writer's block. I honestly don't know what it is. Maybe I just wrote all that I needed to write and now I'm just empty...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK...I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make the flow come back. I need a miracle at this point...