Whenever the
shit hits the fan, my first instinct is to turn to one person. I feel a sense
of comfort and safety from him even though he does nothing to make me feel
safe. More and more it is becoming clear the he genuinely doesn't give a shit
about me or the things that trouble me. He shows a complete disregard for my
feelings and often goes out of his way to mean and hurtful to me. In spite of
all of this, I still run to him. I dive head first into the heart ache and late
night sobs. I’m not waiting for him to
magically change because I know that won’t happen. This is the way things are
now. The person who was once my biggest ally is now my worst torment. Why do I
continue to seek him out? Why can’t I just release him and find comfort within myself?
I can’t
understand why I do this to myself. I feel weak, cheap, and foolish whenever I’m
around him. I desperately cling to this idea that somewhere underneath all of
his hate is the boy I met long ago. I want so badly for him to say the right
things. I want him to take all the pain away and just make me feel safe again. In
a way I’m thankful he behaves this way. I hope and pray that every mean word
chips away the love I have for him. Maybe one day I’ll feel nothing at all. One
day he’ll say or do something so awful that I’ll be free of him. I’m not
exactly known for doing things easily so maybe this is just the only way I’ll
ever be truly rid of him.
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